"INITIATIVES I" Author: Black Coffee Rating: NC-17 for m/m puppy-love sex Pairing: M/K in an Alternate Universe Spoilers: None, zip, nada, zero, a whole different universe Warning: Well, no one dies or anything, but Alex is 16 and Fox 18, so I guess there is some "minor issues" ahead or something...If it offends you, you've never been young! Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, Fox Mulder belongs to Alex Krycek and Alex Krycek belongs to Fox Mulder (and they, both, somehow, in a round-about way, belongs to Chris Carter and FOX network). "Genie in a bottle" is sung by Christina Aguliera and if she just put some damn clothes on and brushed up on her Susan Faludi, I might even consider giving her the credit she deserves for it... Archieve: Eh...yes...please? My thanks: To Cappuccino for Beta and inspiration, and for unrelentingly forcing me to see my own weaknesses. Thank you also for letting me borrow all those videos of you. I also want to thank Scout for moral support... Feedback: blackcoffees00@hotmail.com Summary: Alex is a junior in High school who has a secret crush on a senior football player by the name Fox Mulder. Teenage sex and puppy love ensues... *** Initiatives I by Black Coffee *** "Alex! ALEX!" Alex stood on the grass outside the school building, his back against the entrance and his eyes on the football field straight ahead. It was a beautiful late April day, and the sun was setting behind the trees, still spreading enough warmth to make the wind warm and light. "ALEX!" On the third call of his name, Alex finally turned around and watched as Michael approached him, red-faced and panting. Reaching the dark-haired, young-looking boy, Michael gripped his shoulder in support as he tried to catch his breath. Alex looked his friend up and down in a query fashion. "You've been running?" Shooting him an evil look, Michael said between clenched teeth; "I've been calling you since the front doors, are you deaf or something?" Alex only smiled and turned his attention back to the football field. "Or something." His friend followed his eyes and sighed when he saw the figures of the school's pride and joy, the Georgefield's Bassethounds, also known as the football jocks, in training session. Watching the boys wearing shoulder pads, helmets and grim expressions doing push-ups under the relentless scrutiny of Coach Johnson, Michael wondered why anyone would willingly submit themselves to such torture. He himself was into music, and it was actually in the music-class choir that he had gotten to know Alex for the first time. Gotten to know him real well. "Which one?" he therefore asked his friend standing next to him, who in turned shadowed his eyes from the sun and said; "Number 17. Fox Mulder." Michael knew the name. Fox was a senior, had turned 18 a month ago, and belonged to what was considered the "in-crowd" at Georgefield High School. He was also very good-looking, and Michael could see how Alex managed to overlook the jock-strap and ugly class ring. "I see." He threw a quick glance at his friend's expression, trying to decide how strong the crush was, and sighed as he saw what was clearly visible there Alex face was positively beaming as he looked at the direction of the now running and jumping footballers. Michael thought they looked like cattle, but he held this comment to himself. This was clearly not the right time. Instead he gently touched Alex's shoulder and said; "Do you want a ride home? I called my mom and told her we had finished cleaning a little bit early." "Sure!" The handsome face was turned Michael's way, and the smile there made him mimic it with one on his own instantly. Alex could melt anyone with one of his smiles, as the past had showed, and sometimes Michael wondered if he wasn't too pretty even for his own good. Being as open and carefree as his friend was, Michael thought about all the people out there who would know how to take advantage of that. He cared a great deal about Alex, though not in any romantic kind of way, and the last thing he wanted to see was some guy come and hurt him. Alex, unaware of what Michael was thinking about, threw his arm around his friend and started walking towards the parking lot with him. "Finally!" he said. "The after-school-cleaning-job has paid off! Did you know that they practice every day at this time?" Michael just rolled his eyes at this. "Should I remind you to bring binoculars next time?" Alex grinned widely. "Actually, I'm thinking about joining the team." "Don't you dare. Besides, what good would it do? It's not like it's common practice to make out in the showers after every training session, if that's what you think." "How do you know? Have you ever been there to see for yourself? I bet they all get it on and fuck like rabbits in the locker room after every game." "Alex!" "An orgy of sweaty, horny jocks going down on each other on the locker room benches, spreading the towels over the floor, naked butts and hard cocks, all nestled up and entangled, the Coach walking in and clapping his hands; 'Good game boys, now who wants to be the first to suck daddy off...'" "God, Alex, stop! You're grossing me out!" At his friend's disgusted face, Alex laughed and went into an even bigger spin as he tightened his arm around his shoulders and forced his ear to his mouth "Then there's cum and sweat and steam everywhere, and everyone has fucked and been fucked, and..." The sound of Michael's mom honking her horn at them, and then yelling their names, broke Alex's story, much to the relief of his much disgusted , but still giggling, best friend. They both got a kiss from Michael's mom, and then started the drive home. *** Alex had known since he was 11 that he was more attracted to boys then girls. As with anything else, he had thought hard about it for two weeks, then accepted it and never anguished over it again. It wasn't a very big deal to him. It just was. He still remember telling his mother, also at 11, with the same determination that he always seemed to have when it came to his own wants and feelings. "Mom," he had said one day at the kitchen table, by the end of those two weeks. "I think I like boys. I know I don't like girls, not the same way that my school mates do anyway. And I don't think I ever will." His mom had looked up from her plate at him, searched his eyes for something Alex didn't know what it was, and then nodded a couple of times. "Ok, honey. That's ok. It's called being gay, and a lot of people are." She had reached over and patted his cheek. "What made you figure this out? Did something happen?" Alex frowned for a moment, thinking. "No," he said, shaking his head. "Is there someone you're interested in? Someone you like?" Again, Alex frowned. Did Chachi from "Happy Days" count? Probably not. "Not really," he said. His mom still touched his cheek gently. "Are you ok, hon?" "Yes." That conversation hadn't been the end of it, not by a long shot. Over the years, his mom had continued it by bringing home books on the subject, along with a number of articles, support hotlines ("Just in case you feel like talking to someone other than me, hon") and useful things she had picked up such as "I heard the son of so and so has a friend who is gay, why don't you give him a call" and "Do you know all you need about condoms and safe sex?" He had sometimes been embarrassed, but he also knew he should be happy his mother was who she was. So at sixteen he was a quite confident, but still rather inexperienced (a few kisses and some groping only) young man whose handsome face and lean body had the girls throwing longing glances his way, and who now was, for the first time in his life, seriously interested in someone. Fox. Fox Mulder. The name even tasted sweet as he let it roll over his lips, sitting in his room with a yearbook opened in front of him. Fox Mulder. Footballer. Eighteen. Dark-haired. He smiled. *** Alex and Michael were cleaning the benches in the gymnasium when the football guys came back in from practice. They paused for a moment, to look at them and then at each other. "Oh, hello Jocks," Michael cooed, elbowing Alex teasingly. "Oh, it's shower time. Can Alex join you?" "Sssch." It wasn't loud enough to be heard, luckily. Michael started doing a dead-on impression of a cheerleader routine, complete with a tilt of the head and pouting of the lips, and Alex couldn't help but laugh out loud. Several heads were turned their way, but Michael didn't care. He finished his little act with a gracious spin, arms out to his sides, only to trip on the bucket of water behind him and fall head-first into the row of benches below. Alex now almost screamed with laughter, and had to hold on to his broom to remain standing. As he finally managed to calm down and wipe the tears from his eyes, he noticed and caught the eyes of Fox Mulder, walking in among the jocks dressed in football gear, looking sweaty and gorgeous. Alex immediately froze on the spot, not caring that he was staring, not caring about all the other pair of eyes looking at him. His grip on the broom tightened, and he held his breath. Hazel eyes without any detectable emotions met green ones filled with unadulterated and completely open lust. Alex felt the familiar stirring in his groin begin. Then Fox broke the eye-contact. And disappeared into the locker room. Alex let his breath out in one long "phuuufffph", and his grip on the broom relaxed again. That's when he heard the whimper from the bench row below him (>Oh, fuck, I forgot about him!<), and he leaned forward until he could see Michael's pain-filled face. "You ok, man?" Michael managed a sarcastic smile as he rubbed a spot on his upper arm. "Peachy! Do you think I'll make cheerleader with that one?" "Naa, but I think the football coach was impressed by it, though." Michael winced as he grabbed a hold of Alex's outstretched hand and got to his feet. "Remind me to wear a jock strap the next time." He briefly checked his groin. "I didn't want kids anyway." Alex smiled, his mind still hovering over the picture of Fox Mulder coming in from a hard day's practice. "C'mon!" he said to Michael. "Let's get out of here before Coach Johnson comes back with the application form and a pen." They left the gymnasium together, Michael leaning on Alex for support, Alex throwing one last glance at the direction of the boys' locker room. *** Fox slowly changed out of his football gears and into his regular clothes. The buzz of shouts, laughter and water cascading down tile walls, became just a distant blur, as he lost himself deep in his own thoughts. What was that guy's name? Alex? Fox Mulder had just turned eighteen, and was about to finish his senior year at GHS as a straight A (except music class) student and, rather popular, he had to admit, football player, and he had never felt more miserable in his life. Never. He had no idea when it had started, but he knew that ever since he had began his last high school year, he had felt like there was something very important missing from his life, something that should be there, something he needed badly. But what? Wide, green eyes looking at him, soft dark hair falling down over them, framing them, making them look like... >No!< That was not the way he wanted his thoughts to go right now, not in public like this. That was what was wrong with him in the first place, what made him miserable from the beginning; unwanted thoughts entering his mind at the worst moments, like right now among twenty naked high school boys who would think he was...what? A faggot? Like the ones you saw on TV or threw popcorn at in the movie theatre, crossdressers and pantsies all of them. That wasn't him! Of course it wasn't! So why did he feel so...guilty? And why was that damn kid staring at him anyway? It wasn't the first time Fox had seen Alex. No, he had noticed him before, that was for sure. Something, God knows what, in the younger boy made Fox's eyes unwillingly draw to him, made him see him even before he was in view, made him want to... >NO!< It was time for him to stop these silly mindgames right now, before he would confuse himself even more with ridiculous images, and instead try to focus on the real problem; why he felt so out of it, so down, what was causing it, and then try to get himself back on track again. Right. Back on track. That was the goal. It shouldn't be so difficult. He just had to focus. *** Lunch time. Alex and Michael had decided to skip Chicken soup and Jell-O and instead walked the five blocks to where "Antonio's Pizza Place" was located, to buy two slices of "Antonio's pepperonios" and breadsticks. Since Michael couldn't decide if he wanted coke or sprite, Alex walked out ahead, clutching his lunch to his chest. It was hot outside. Too hot. Alex felt his hair gluing to his head in spikes, and he didn't even want to know how his feet would smell when he took off the sneakers. Waiting for Michael, he leaned against the hood of a car parked just outside, and opened his coke with a "fzzz" sound. Two girls he knew from music class went by, waving and smiling at him and then, when he waved and smiled back, starting to giggle and look at each other meaningly until they had disappeared into the restaurant. Alex felt a bit uneasy, but flattered, at the obvious attention they had given him, and he thought, not for the first time in his life, if the very fact that he just wasn't interested in them, in any of the girls, was what made them so attracted to him. At least that was the theory Michael had voiced at one point (and continued to jealously throw at him whenever the attention Alex was given annoyed him) and his friend had also told him that if being gay was what got the girls interested, then >he< was now officially gay! That part, of course, was not true. But the first...well, Alex didn't really know how else to explain it, his popularity with girls. Sure he was somewhat good-looking, and would probably be even more so as he got a little bit older and a little less boyish, but so were a lot of the other guys at school. Guys who were into sports and were tough and had well-defined muscles on their arms and chest and...all other sort of things which Alex had duly noticed, admittedly for more reasons than just to compare. With a furrowing of his eye-brows and a sip of the soda, he decided that the attention from his female class mates were very nice, though it really didn't do anything for him, and that he should just feel flattered and leave it at that. Instead, his thoughts went to later that day, when he would be doing his shift as usual, wondering briefly if he would get yet another look at Fox in his football outfit...Fox coming in from the football field, dirty and sweaty and deliciously looking, and...A noise from behind him interrupted his thoughts, just as he had started to imagine Number 17 Fox Mulder getting ready to take an after-practice shower. And that's when he noticed that someone was actually sitting in the car he was leaning on, or rather was now getting out of it, and in the next moment he also saw who it was. >Ooooh...< Fox had opened the door to the driver's side and was now leaning against it, both elbows on top of the open door, sunglasses covering his eyes from Alex's gaze. He looked incredibly sexy. >Must...not...stare...< It was no use. Alex eyed the senior, wide-eyed and silent, and felt the sweat start to drip down his back, this time not entirely due to the sun. Fox looked back at him, although it was pretty hard to tell in what way because of the dark sunglasses hiding his expression, and for a second Alex thought his face was almost hostile. He swallowed. "S-sorry, I didn't mean to lean on your car." It sounded pathetic in his own ears, but it was all he could think of to say. Fox's face didn't change. "S'okay. I don't mind." His voice was low and soft, and to Alex it sounded just like sweet, dripping honey. Man, he must really be sold, if he was already quoting lines from cheap romance-novels! Swallowing again, he allowed his eyes to follow the lines of the vehicle. "Nice car." "Thanks." The other boy sounded bored, but Alex couldn't help but notice that his fingers were nervously playing with each other on top of the car door. Exactly what that meant, though, he had no idea. Having nothing else to say about the car (everything Alex knew about car-conversations had been fully exhausted with that one line) he instead looked down at the drink in his hand and then held it out towards the other boy as an offering. "Thirsty?" Fox nodded casually and reached out to except the offered can of soda. As he bent his neck and took a sip of the drink, Alex got a nice view of the long, pale throat. >Voff!< And then; >Think of something else to say, try to keep him standing there, try to make him interested...do something, you wimp!< And then, as Fox handed Alex back the coke with a "Thanks, man", three boys who Alex knew were on the football team, came out from "Antonio's" and walked over to where they were standing. They casually nodded at Alex, who nodded back while evilly picturing all three of them getting hit by an out-of-control truck, due to the fact that they had just spoilt his too-short alone-moment with Fox. And then the other boys were all inside the car and gone, Fox gone with them. Alex lowered his eyes to the can he held in his hand, following the rim with his thumb. Fox's lips had been there. Would he be able to taste him if he licked it right now? Or would he just get the metallic taste of the can? Well, either way, it was definitely worth a try! *** Driving away from the pizza restaurant with the other three boys in his seats, Fox's mind wandered back to the look on Alex's face as he had gotten out of the car, obviously surprising the junior. He really didn't have anything against Alex, he seemed nice enough although their conversations up until now had never gone beyond "hey, man" and the occasional "how's it going?", and yet Fox had felt something almost close to anger as he had seen that look again in Alex's eyes when noticing whose car he was leaning against. That look of surprise and...adoration. Why did he have to do that? Wasn't he worried that Fox would see it and think that he had a...crush on him or something? Most guys would kick his ass if they suspected something like that. Most guys would. >But not me!< Silently cursing himself, Fox hit the gas pedal and almost broke the speed limit driving back to school. Why did he have to do these things to himself? Wasn't it enough that he already felt depressed and miserable, why did these stupid fucking thoughts have to enter his mind every time he saw...every time he thought he was okay again, making him doubt himself like that? >Seeing him makes you happy!< Enough! He had to stop this, he had to! For his own sake. And he would! He would stop it. *** This was the time of the day that Alex loved most. It was seven o'clock in the evening, everybody had left the school building, and it made the usually lively halls and stairwells now empty and silent. Alex were scrubbing the floors of the basement level, a kind of spooky place rarely used apart from the odd school paper meetings and FHA gatherings. It was Alex's favorite place to clean, since it didn't even feel like part of the school, and allowed him to pretend he was someplace different, living a different life, without anything interrupting him. He had his walkman on with the volume turned all the way up, and was enthusiastically (and pretty much out-of-key) singing along, using his broom as a microphone and letting go completely. "I'm a genie in a bottle baby, you got to rub me the right way, ho-oney..." He had removed his shirt and tied it around his waist, wearing a plain white T-shirt underneath. On his feet he had on a pair of white socks, the shoes removed and kicked to the side along with his jacket. It was warm in the badly vented basement, and his dancing made the sweat break out on his skin, gluing the T-shirt to his back. All in all he made a dazzling sight, and even the wild dancing and bad singing did nothing to hide this fact from the one who stood on the bottom of the stairs leaning against the rail with his arms folded across his chest, watching the young man intensely. "I'm a genie in a bottle baby, come come come on and let me OUT." As the tune faded out and Alex calmed down, he heard the sound of someone slowly clapping his hands behind him. Realizing he was not alone, he spun around, cheeks already hot with embarrassment, and found himself staring into the amused eyes of Fox Mulder. "..." Everything Alex had planned to say to the intruder immediately left his mind and he just stood there, mouth half open, eyes wide with surprise. "So..." Fox said, looking as cool as if they were just old buddies that had met up in the street. "If your body's saying 'let's go', then why is your heart saying 'no'?" If Alex had been blushing before, he now looked like he might permanently change his face color into a deep, deep shade of red. He didn't know what to say, not because he had been caught singing and dancing in the school basement, but because he had been caught doing it by >him<. Fox left his position by the rail and came forward. The tall senior couldn't help a smile to break through his deliberately cool exterior, the pretty face in front of him looking too endearingly flushed not to. Fox thought it was a very amusing sight. His first thought as he had happened to see Alex prancing around with the broom was that he should leave, not to give him privacy, but because of the rush of feelings he unwontedly felt at the sight of the younger boy (to be completely honest, his very first thought had been >schwi-ing!<), and the immediate instinct of "let's not go there." But then he had decided to stay, only to prove to that little voice in his head just how wrong it was. And then he had caught himself, wondering why he had just thought about Alex as "pretty." Not to mention "endearing." Standing only a few inches apart, the two boys looked into each other's eyes for what to Alex seemed like an eternity. His heart was pounding so hard he wondered if there was a possibility he might die from Fox's close proximity. Death by hot jock's burning gaze. Alex almost burst out into a hysterical laughter, but managed to hold it in. Fox was again confused. He had intended on giving the embarrassed junior a good teasing for his ass-wiggling a minute ago, but as he met Alex's green eyes, practically beaming with unshielded emotions, he forgot everything he had been meaning to say. The boy in front of him was like an open book. In those eyes he could read everything and what he saw was... Oh God. Warning signals came on in Fox's head, making enough noise that his hearing was temporarily impaired, causing him to miss Alex's soft words. "Uhm...what...what did you say?" "I asked you if you want to go get a cup of coffee." The "Danger! Cliff ahead!" signs now started accompany the warning signals in Fox's brain. >Don't say yes!< he heard the voice in his head say. >He has a crush on you, you know he does, you have known every since that day in the gym, don't say yes, don't say yes...< The hostile look that Alex had seen outside the pizza place the other day came over Fox's face again. Alex sighed, shook his head and took a step back. "Sorry, I shouldn't have asked...I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable...I won't bother you any more..." Everything he said felt like tired cliches, and he didn't even know for sure what he was apologizing for. Or if he was truly sorry, for that matter. >Fuck him! I did try at least...< He turned to walk away when Fox stopped him. "Wait!" And Alex waited, head still turned away. Fox licked his lips and tried to say something, anything, to sooth the awkward moment and not let Alex leave with that shattering embarrassed look on his face. Anything to stop him from leaving. "We can't...I mean, what...what about your..." He waved his hand, indicating the floor they were in. Alex quickly tossed the broom over toward the bucket and shrugged. "I'm done. Wanna go, then?" >Might as well go all the way, put it all on the line...< Fox opened his mouth to decline, to say "sorry, some other time perhaps" in the nicest possible way, not wanting huge green eyes to get that sad look in them again, but some hidden part of his mind had totally different plans and, to his own complete surprise, an "O-okay...sure," came out instead. >Fuck!< Alex sensed the struggle and decided not to push his luck any further, but just go with it. He draped the jacket over his arm, and swiftly put his shoes back on. His smile was so wide it threatened to reach the back of his neck. "Let's go then!" *** Alex had promised himself that no matter what happened that night, he would remain cool, calm and collected, acting like the mature, confident person he thought Fox would go for. But he was just failing miserably at this, and he knew it. Ever since the fact that he was going to have coffee (almost like a...date!) with Fox Mulder had sunk in, he had been practically beaming with happiness, looking for all the world like someone who just couldn't believe his luck. They got into Fox's car, and headed towards a place a bit outside of town, on Alex's suggestion. He tried to convince himself that it was because of their great muffins, which he described to Fox in lot's of strong-letter words, but the real reason was that he didn't want them to run into anyone who knew them, particularly not any jock buddies of Fox's. He talked the whole way over there, anything to keep the silence away, while Fox looked on the road ahead, only occasionally bringing something to the conversation. The senior was nervously smiling and generally making Alex feel like he was taking him to have his wisdom tooth removed, not going for a nice coffee. That, along with Alex's own rush of excitement and the pounding feeling of his blood going, clearly, southwards every time he glanced over at Fox, only added to the junior's nervousness and made him blabber on just to at least try hiding that last part from the guy beside him in the car. He hoped Fox would come out of his silent mood once they were sitting in the cafe, because he wasn't sure how long he could keep up the one-sided chatter. As for Fox, who rather quickly picked up on the exact things Alex desperately tried to keep from him, all means of conversation seemed to drain from him as he silently cursed to himself. He had the distinct feeling this wasn't going to be just an ordinary hanging-out-and-talking buddy-to-buddy sort of thing. Just the blush on Alex's face every time he looked over at his side, was enough to give that away. The air in the car seemed thick and heavy. >What the hell am I doing?< No good answer seemed to come to him. Once they reached the small cafe, they parked and went inside. The first thing Fox thought as he got his order from the waitress was that Alex had been right about the muffins, and he delivered his approval to the younger man who looked like he might burst with pride from this simple compliment. If he had had a tail, Fox was sure it would be wagging furiously by now. The second thing he thought, after they had been there a while, was that he actually enjoyed being with Alex, and it was with a mild surprise that he admitted it to himself. Apart from Alex's apparent admiration for him, the whole thing didn't actually feel too uncomfortable, and after some adjustment time of uneasiness and fumbling for things to talk about, the two of them started finding some common grounds, sharing school experiences and chatting about people they both knew. At one occasion, the subject came upon girls, and a certain uneasiness spread over the table. Alex asked Fox about his last girlfriend, a girl in the senior class called Lisa whom Alex had always thought seemed really nice, and Fox admitted that she had been the one to break up with him. "Do you know why?" Alex asked carefully. "No. Well, she said that I...she...didn't think I was ready to be in a committed relationship." He made a face, scrunching up his nose. Alex suddenly felt his concentration waving a bit. "Do you miss her?" "No. Not really. We're still friends. It's better that way." Fox let his fingers trace the rim of his cup. Alex couldn’t help but stare at them. "Beside," the senior continued, trying to insert a light tone into his voice. "Someone else will come along, you know." His lips curved upwards in a faint smile and for a second Alex had to actively hold himself down to resist from crawling over the table that separated them and give it a wet and sloppy kiss. He forced himself back to the conversation. "Yeah," he agreed. "There is always something better, right?" Alex nodded, not sure exactly what Fox had just said. What he was sure of, however, was that he didn't think he could stand this slow torture any more, and that he should call it a night before he said something to completely scare Fox off. "It's late," he said therefore. "Maybe we should..." "What about you?" Alex stopped mid-sentence at Fox's question. Looking across the table, it seemed that the senior suddenly found his napkin to be a very interesting piece of object. "What about me?" Watching the hands -such gorgeous hands- twist and pull the napkin into small pieces, he waited for the expected question. "Do you have a girlfriend?" For a second, Alex considered responding with a "Oh yeah, more than I can count on both hands, what the hell do you >think< my looks and smiles the last hour has been all about?" but came to his senses and simply said; "No, I don't." "Why not? Looking like you do, I thought for sure you..." Fox's voice trailed of as he realized what he had said. Alex tried to catch his eyes, but failed. "How do I look?" he asked instead, watching Fox flinch and nervously start twisting the napkin even more furiously. "Well, I just thought...you're, you know..." His expression went from twitchy to nervous to panicked, as he looked down at the table, over Alex's shoulder and generally everywhere but at him. "It's just that you have some, like, I don't know..." Finally he seemed to give in, as he raised his head and looked straight at Alex, hazel eyes wide and confused. "You're beautiful, Alex." They stared at each other, Alex's throat suddenly too dry for him to say anything. Then Fox looked away, rose and threw a couple of bucks on the table. "It's late, as you said, and we should go. I'll drive you home." Alex rose as well. "Ok." *** When Fox had dropped him off at his house, Alex took a couple of minutes to stand on the street, head thrown back, staring up into the dark sky, breathing in the fresh night air. Feeling alive. Then a shiver went through him, and he pulled the jacket closer around him and turned to walk into the house. As he entered, he heard his mother's voice from the living room. "You're late." "Yes." She came out into the hall, wearing her frock and hair standing out in every direction, and looked him up and down. "I waited up." "Sorry. I should have called." "Who was the boy who dropped you off." "Just a guy from school." "Alex..." "Goodnight, mom." "Alex..." "Not yet, mom. Not yet." *** The following day Alex and Michael was sitting on the grass outside the school building, their backs against the warm stone wall, and their faces turned upwards to catch the sun. They had just had lunch, and were waiting for music class to start. After a long moment of comfortable silence, Alex felt a nudge in his side and half turned his head towards Michael, hands shading his eyes. "What?" "Guess who's got a date for the prom." Alex turned all the way, a huge smile breaking out on his face. "Yeah? You got a date? Who is it?" "Melanie. She asked me." "That's great!" "We're going to the lake afterwards." "You dog!" Michael grinned, and shook his head at his friend. "It's not like that. A group of people are going, both juniors and seniors. You are welcome to come with us." He said the last bit carefully, not intending to hurt his friend's feelings by just assuming he would go to prom by himself, but not wanting him to feel uninvited either. "Mel don't mind. She likes you." Alex nodded, knowing Michael meant well. "Thanks, pal. I might meet you there, so you'll have the car ride to yourselves at least..." Michael turned serious. "It's not a problem, I promise. I know you don't have a car..." "I'll get there somehow!" Alex's smile was back. "Don't worry about poor, lonely me..." "You know, you could have your pick of dates if you wanted to. I know of at least four girls who have asked me if you have anyone to go with yet." But Alex didn't want to go with any of them, and Michael knew that. He also knew that Fox Mulder was going with Lisa Anderson, although they were officially not a couple anymore. They were going as friends. It was still better then going date-less, at least that's what Fox must have thought when he asked her. What she had thought when she said yes, one could only guess. She had broken up with him, not the other way around, but she had still accepted. Michael knew what the gossip around school said. Alex must know too. The dark-haired, green-eyed friend sitting beside him, looking even younger that his age, stared into the distance, offering no reply, and effectively stopping Michael's attempt at pushing this issue. He would go alone. And that was just that. But it would still be lonely... Sighing, he went back to sunbathing in silence. After 20 minutes the bell rang. *** The rest of the day, Alex only caught small glimpses of Fox, and had the distinct impression that the older boy was avoiding him. He wanted nothing more than to talk to him, to see if their coffee-date had impressed the senior at all, and to find out where they were now standing. The real reason was of course, that he couldn't bear going a whole day without seeing the older boy. Alex caught Fox by the end of the last hour, cornering him in the computer room, which was now empty. Having managed to elude him all day, Fox gave up trying to hide and let Alex close the door to give them some privacy, and then guide him to sit on a chair opposite him. "You have been avoiding me." Alex's voice sounded accusing, and Fox felt himself blush. Why did he do that? This was only a little (but pretty) junior who he had just taken out for some coffee the other day (and told he was beautiful), nothing more, nothing less, no reason for him to get all clingy and demanding (and did anyone mention pretty). But Fox knew there was a lot more to the whole thing than he was willing to admit, ever, and he knew that Alex saw it too. Why else would he sit opposite him now in an empty room, biting his lip, clearly searching for a place to start? Reaching out and putting his hand on the younger boy's arm, he watched Alex look up and blink at him in surprise. Fox blinked back. "I'm sorry." The words were sincere and Alex nodded, not quite understanding what they were for, but feeling better hearing them. "Ok." "I haven't been hiding from you, I have just been...thinking." "It's ok." "No, listen, I...I have thought about last night and frankly I am a little confused at what...why you..." "You think I was coming on to you last night." Alex knew he was being subtle, but saw no point in hiding his feelings. Other than the possibility that he could get his heart broken and viciously stomped on, of course. He saw Fox try to collect his own thoughts, trying to come up with what he wanted to say. "I...I..." A deep frown. "I think you..." Rubbing his nose now. "I think you...are coming on to me, yeah." He said it wary, as if not sure whether he was right or not. The change in tenses didn't go unnoticed by Alex. The air around them was heavy and thick, and when they looked at each other both their faces showed unmistakably signs of misery, both of them having their own reason to fear the outcome of the conversation. Alex tried to make his voice sound blank. "Does that disgust you?" Fox seemed to flinch. "Disgust? No! I mean...I don't have anything against you, Alex, and last night...it was..." He searched for the right words. "...it was really nice." As Fox looked into those huge green eyes, they lit up and started to beam at him, enthralling him by their openness and sending something that could only be described as a tingle down his spine. And that's when they both heard the noise from the closed door. It was a loud click, like something locking itself in position, like... "Damn! The door!" They both reached it at the same time, yanking the doorknob, but to no avail. It was locked. For the night. The two boys stared at the unbudging door. "Fuck! I shouldn't have closed the door, I'm so sorry, it's on a timer because of the computers and now we won't be able to get out until tomorrow morning!" Alex looked truly miserable, and Fox suddenly felt himself overcome by laughter. Hysterical laughter, to be honest. Unstoppable. Alex's face took on a confused -and a little worried- look when seeing the other boy keel over in amusement. "Eh...Fox? Maybe you didn't hear me; we are locked in for the night. We can't..." "...get out, I heard you! That's what's so funny!" He laughed again, and in about a minute or so continued; "Man, you must really want me alone in the dark if you go to such lengths as to lock me into the computer room!" Fox giggled. Now Alex caught on, and he made a nervous giggling sound. "Man, I swear I didn't realize...and I should have, I spend enough time in school after the day's over..." "Yeah, how about doing one of your famous little dances right now?" Fox teased and then ducked as Alex tried to elbow him. "You keep that particular little secret to yourself or I'll make you regret it!" "Oh, that's your plan? To kill me and then eat me?" "It's been my plan to eat you since I first saw you!" They both stopped and stood still, staring at each other. Alex winced and brought his hand up to cover his eyes. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." Fox sighed, all laughter gone from him now. He sank down on the floor, with the wall at his back for support. "It's ok. I'm not mad." >Why am I not mad?< he thought to himself. >I should be mad.< Alex sat down beside him, also leaning his back against the wall. "I still shouldn't have..." "I told you, it's ok." >Is it?< They both sat in silence for a long time, Fox in his own thoughts, and Alex still too afraid to look at him. >He's going to turn on me, he's going to tell me to get the hell away from him, he's gonna tell me to piss off...< "Alex?" >He's going to call me a bad name, he's going to hit me, he's going to...< "What's it like?" >Huh?< "Huh?" "What's it like to kiss another guy?" Alex turned to search the other's face, but Fox was staring stubbornly ahead, refusing to meet his eyes. "Uhm...it's...it's..." >What the fuck am I suppose to say?< "...it's really nice." "Oh." The voice was neutral, revealing nothing, but still it made Alex braver. "It's soft and rough at the same time. It's sweet and...electrifying. Why do you ask?" "No reason." "Do you want me to show you?" This time Fox really did mean to hit him, to turn around and punch his fist into the smaller boy's stomach, but one look on that open, understanding face beside him and all desire to beat him up just went out of him like air from a balloon. After a long silence, Fox cleared his throat. "When...when did you know?" An image of himself as 11 came to Alex, sitting in front of the TV, watching "Happy Days" with a million questions swiveling in his head. "I was about eleven, but I think I might have suspected it before that." "Oh." "I told my mother and since she accepted it, I did too." "My parents wouldn't accept it." Hearing, but deciding to ignore, the implications of Fox's roughly spoken sentence, Alex quietly said; "I still would have even if she didn't." "Oh." He sighed. There was another long silence. Until Fox, once again, broke it. "Uhm...Alex...have you...are you a...have you ever?" Alex drew back a bit and met his questioning eyes. He sighed. "No. Not really. Have you?" "Are you kidding?" "I mean with a girl, Fox." "Oh." His voice calmed down again. "Then yes. I guess. With Lisa." "And how was it? Was it nice?" Fox frowned at this. Yes, it had been nice, but for some reason any stronger words than nice (such as amazing, wonderful, passionate or incredible) didn't feel right to describe it. He liked Lisa, a lot, and when she had broken up with him he had felt...felt... >She knew.< And that's the moment when it all hit him. With force. He threw his head back against the wall with a loud, satisfying bang, and covered his face in his hands, hiding from Alex, hiding from the room they were in, hiding from his own disgust, the resurfaced self hatred that suddenly filled him. "Shit!" >Fuck!< Alex was by his side in a heartbeat, not seeing the flash of anger in Fox's eyes, worry showing in all his features. "Fox, what is wrong?" >You are, you fucking bastard! Look what you've done to me!< "This! This is what is wrong!" He still didn't take his hands from his face. "She knew. She understood what...what was wrong with me!" >Your fault, you cock-sucking bastard...< Was he directing these thoughts at >Alex or at himself? He didn't know. "Nothing is wrong with you, Fox," Alex said softly, stroking Fox's hair gently. Although unspoken, it was obvious to both of them what Fox was talking about. The implication was clear, had been for a long time, to both of them. Fox drew slightly back from his touch. "She knew I couldn't commit to her, and she knew why. She all but told me when she broke up with me. But I wouldn't listen. Couldn't listen. How did she know?" >Cock-sucking, ass-fucking little piece of fucking shit.< Now he finally looked up at Alex, eyes filled with anger, but at the same time looking so vulnerable that Alex ached to hold him. But he waited. "Fox," he said soothing. "You don't know if...I mean, some people have no preferences, they just fall in love with...people. And if you've been with a girl once before then maybe you will..." "No!" The statement was hard and roughly spoken, underlined by Fox's suddenly determined face. "I won't." "Why not?" >Your fault!< Fox leaned forward, hot breath against Alex's ear, hands fumbling for his support, eye-lashes touching his cheek. "Because of you, you little fuck." Then he drew back, a bit, and stared hard and accusingly into Alex's eyes, which were now showing confusion. The younger boy opened his mouth to say something, but before he had any chance to react, Fox had grabbed him by the shirt and pushed him up off the floor, up against one of the nearby tables, wedging the smaller boy painfully between the hard computer screen and his body. His equally hard body. He heard Alex gasped. And then, he sort of lost it. An enormous surge of excitement went through Fox as he ground his groin against the trapped boy, and he moaned aloud as he felt Alex's slim body forcefully being slammed back against the table by his shoves. It gave him an immediate sense of control and power which he couldn't remember ever having felt before. Images filled his head, overwhelming him. Images of himself, laying in his bed jerking off to the mental picture of the dark-haired, green-eyed junior, who he now had here in this room, at his mercy, and then the images of himself burying his head into his pillow in shame and disgust, crying himself to sleep. But this was different. This time he could take it out on somebody other than himself. Finally. He thrust against the body beneath his again. Hard. And again. Harder. "Yeah, this is what you want isn't it? This is what you have wanted all the time and now I'm gonna fucking give it to you, so just fucking take it...!" A stream of words left his mouth, none of them coherent, none of them spoken above a whisper. It felt so good to give some of that anger and hurt back, to direct it away from himself, for just a brief moment. >Let's see how he likes it, shall we...< Alex tossed his head and bit his lower lip as Fox's thrusts threw his back repeatedly into the sharp edge of the table behind him. He tried to get away, but the grip on his shoulders was too strong. Fox had, after all, played varsity football throughout high school, whereas Alex had spent his time sitting in music class, learning notes and accords. The odds were, frankly, uneven. He didn't know what had caused this, this sudden anger and resentment in Fox's eyes and the now rather painful assault on his body. As the senior's thrusts started to come faster and faster, the cock against his groin growing harder and harder, and Alex's eyes began to fill up with tears, he wondered if it wasn't all his own fault. If he had pushed too hard. He had given himself away, that was for sure, and, to be fair, hadn't he practically begged the older boy to do something like this to him? It was him. He was to blame. He shouldn't have let Fox know how he felt about him. He was the guilty one. A whimper of pain and fear which he couldn't contain, escaped him. Fox was hurting him like hell right now. Staring into the anguished face below him, Fox increased the speed of his thrusts, and let a hand come up behind Alex's head to fist his soft hair and tug at it in rhythm to his shoves and to Alex's now small sobs. The green eyes that were so close to his own were now huge and starting to well up with tears, and looking into them Fox felt the first rush of regret come over him. What was he doing? This was Alex, the one who he had been talking to and laughing with only a few minutes ago. He couldn't blame Alex for his own pain. He hadn't done anything wrong. And it certainly wasn't his fault that Fox was a disgusting pervert who jerked off to mental pictures of guys, and who was now forcing himself on one, harshly bumping and grinding his way to an overwhelmingly powerful orgasm. >Not his fault.< >Here it comes.< Now. Alex felt Fox tense up and throw his head back as he shuddered and came, gasping Alex's name in the process. The tight grip on him loosened, and he wriggled his way out from underneath the other's body, this time meeting no resistance. Stumbling towards and reaching the wall on the other side of the room, his knees suddenly weakened and he collapsed on the floor, leaning his back against the wall and covering his face in the crook of his elbows. All the while without making even one sound. Fox came down from his high in a matter of seconds, and the shame he felt was almost mind-numbing as he looked at the small, shivering figure over by the wall. He then looked down on himself and closed his eyes. The most amazing orgasm of his life, and he was still in his pants and underwear. And he had hurt someone. "Alex." The name sounded across the room, but got no reply. "Alex, God, I'm so sorry!" Alex sat still. Maybe if he didn't move, he wouldn't have to see that look of hate and disgust in Fox's eyes again, and then maybe he could pretend that this had never happened. He had gotten his punishment all right. Yes, after having carelessly blurted out his feelings like that, he had gotten all the answer he needed to know exactly what Fox thought about it. That...that humping against the table just now hadn't been an act of want, or need. It had been an act of anger. Of disgust. No matter how hard Fox had come at the end. Fox hated him. Alex felt like his heart had shattered into a million pieces. >Don't look at me. Please.< He felt a presence beside him, and knew that Fox had sat down next to him. A hand came out and tentatively touched his arm. "Alex." "Go away." "God, Alex, I...are you ok?" >No.< "Yes." "Alex, please look at me." "I-I can't." Fox tugged his arm more insistently. "Why not?" He expected an outburst of anger, maybe even a violent attack, a fist in his face, all of which he knew he was well deserved of right now, but instead the words coming from the boy with his head still buried, surprised him beyond speech. "I'm sorry, Fox!" A moment of stunned silence followed, as those last words made it into Fox's brain. Alex was apologizing! To him! "What do you mean, Alex? I hurt you. I should be sorry, not you!" Fox cringed. It sounded so weak and pathetic in the light of what he had done, but it was the only thing he could think about to say. Finally, a pair of wide, red-stained eyes came up to look at him. Straight at him. "I came on to you, I made you angry, and I pushed you to do it. I'm sorry." The voice was monotone but the words were sincere. To Fox it felt like someone had slapped him across the face. In an instant, the shame he felt peeked to a new level of intensity with that painful confession spoken from slightly trembling lips. He blinked. "Alex, you didn't push me...well, maybe you did but not because...I mean, I...I can't believe I did that to you but I...I don't know...I think I couldn't...you make me confused. And that made me angry." "I'm sorry." Same monotone voice. "No!" Fox didn't know what to say. There really was no excuse for what he had done. The young boy had trusted him with his feelings, telling him his secret, and this was how he had rewarded him. With his own anger and insecurity. "Listen! I am so sorry, Alex, I think I have wanted you for so long and then I freaked and got mad and I am so sorry for it!" Alex's eyes now took on a new look, one of wonder, and of confusion. "Y-you wanted me?" Fox shook his head, a flash of pain in his eyes at the younger boy's softly asked question, and all the implications it brought with it. God, how did he get so messed up? "No. Yes. I...I don't know." The closed look on Alex faced returned again. "You don't know?" "No." Then suddenly he covered his face in his hands and began a series of held-back sobbing. He couldn't help it, he just let it go. He had lost it before. He was still losing it. For a couple of long moments, Alex sat still, looking at Fox's trembling form, wondering what was going on his mind, thinking about what he had said. He was afraid to make even the slightest move, in case it would bring Fox's anger back again and make him violent, again. And then, decidedly, he just dropped his hesitance and let an arm slip around Fox's shaking back, pulling him into his arms. Stroking him. Trying all he could to sooth him. It was if that violent assault that had just taken place had been coming from someone else, from another Fox, and not the one laying shaking in his arms right now, crying because his whole world had just collapsed. Alex wasn't going to let this Fox suffer alone. If he could help him, he would. Because this Fox was the one he was in love with. He was in love with this Fox. He no longer felt afraid. This Fox wouldn't hurt him. This Fox was hurting himself. Alex suddenly realized that, football practice aside, that out of the two of them, he was now the strong one. After a good half hour or so, Alex didn't really keep time, the sobs started to slow down and fade away. Soon Fox was just sitting with his head buried in Alex's neck, only the occasional sniffle being heard now. Alex couldn't help but smile faintly. "Better?" Slight movement against him, hot breath on his neck. "A little." Fox turned his head all the way up, and Alex found himself looking straight into hazel brown eyes, all moist and puffy. "Alex," he said. "I am sorry." Alex nodded. "I know." They were silent again. Then Fox sighed, turned and leaned forward until his head lay cradled in Alex's lap. Alex started stroking the soft hair, closing his eyes, dwelling in the incredible feeling for a while. Then he ran his hand down Fox's neck, over his shoulder, grabbing his hand and entwining their fingers. Crazy as it was, he suddenly felt glad for what had happened between them. >I must be out of my mind!< >Oh but it feels good!< "Go to sleep, Fox," he whispered. "It'll be a couple of hours before the janitor comes and lets us out." A puff of warm air on his arm was all he got in response. Fox was already asleep. *** They were let out of the room that next morning, looking sheepishly at the surprised janitor who found them. Being immediately wrapped up in the process of calling home to worried parents and tell them they were still alive, they didn't get much time to talk about what had happened between them. In the cold light of the day, Alex didn't even know if Fox wanted to talk about it. Or if he just wanted to forget. His mother came to pick him up, give him a tight hug and drive him home. As he entered the kitchen and sat down to eat the big breakfast she had hurriedly made for him, he felt how exhausted he was. "I think I'll skip school today." His mom nodded her head. "If you haven't slept all night then you should stay home. Just have some breakfast and then go to bed." She sat down with him and drank her coffee, watching while he filled his stomach with toast and egg and yogurt and orange juice. Finally, he felt satisfied, and pushed the plate away. "Mom?" "Yes, Lexei?" "How do you know when you're in love?" He felt himself blush furiously. His mom just looked at him for a few moments, apparently not prepared for that question. "Uhm...I guess...you just know it. Why, honey?" He shrugged. "No reason." "Are you in love with someone?" "No! I don't know." "Is it that boy you were with tonight? The one who dropped you off the other day?" He just shrugged again, feeling slightly embarrassed. He wondered what his mom would do if she found out what had really happened last night. Probably kill Fox, which, he supposed, would be a justified thing to do. But what >had< really happened last night? The thing was, he wasn't sure himself. His mom reach forward and stroked his cheek, the way she had done to comfort him all his life, ever since he could remember. Slow, gentle, reassuring strokes. Loving. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But if you ask me, I'd say that yes, you're probably in love. Now go to bed." Yawning, and stretching, he nodded and left the table. He was glad he didn't have to go to school that day. He wasn't sure he would be able to deal with seeing Fox so soon after what had happened. Not if there would be any sort of rejection involved. *** Around seven in the evening, the front door bell rang. Since Alex was temporarily alone, his mother was at the drugstore, he went to answer it, thinking it would be the neighbor. Fox Mulder stood on the door step. Looking like he wished himself a hundred miles away. Looking absolutely fantastic. Alex stared at him for a second, then let him come inside. He showed him the living room couch and went to get two cans of coke out of the fridge. Taking several minutes and just as many harshly uttered profanities just to get the bottles opened, he paused for just a second, leaning heavily on the counter, feeling his heart race in his chest. >What the hell is he doing to me, and how does he do it?< When he came back into the room, Fox was, still in his jacket and baseball cap, sitting stiffly on the edge of the couch, back tense and straight as an arrow, as if he thought the couch was a nuclear warhead, destined to go off if he made the slightest move. Like breathed. Alex sat down on the chair opposite the couch, noting how sweaty his palms were. Was this the time for rejection? >He's still afraid of me, still afraid of his feelings for me.< Was that >true? Or was it anger, renewed, that made Fox grip his own knees so that >his knuckles whitened? Alex didn't know. "I'm sorry for showing up here without calling first." Fox voice was low and, actually, quite friendly. Handing him the soda, Alex shook his head. "No problem." "Alex, I..." The words seemed to leave him, and he resumed to just shake his head and continue to look miserable. Alex scooted closer. "What?" Fox took one deep breath, then finally spoke; "I want to say that I'm sorry for last night, for saying all those things, and...attacking you like I did." Now Alex couldn't stop himself from reaching out and gently lay a hand on Fox's. "You already did, apologize I mean. It's ok." And then he added, on impulse; "I still want you, if you were wondering. I get the feeling you need to hear that. Am I right?" He was almost as surprised himself to find out that it was the truth. He wanted Fox. That incident in the computer room had not destroyed it, only made it more complicated in a way. Giving him more to think about. And now he was able to read Fox better. Read his signs. Understand his fears. Know that he wanted him too. Fox stared at him, hard, and then looked down at his hands in his lap. "Alex, what I said...I don't know if...I want to just..." Patiently, Alex waited for him to finish the sentence, feeling tingles of cold sweat on his back. This was the moment of truth, it seemed. "Alex, I...I need some time to think, ok? I need to think about all this before I can...before we...but I'm still sorry, and I still want to...damn, I feel like the biggest jerk in history!" Immediately Alex wanted to comfort him, but held himself back. Time to think. Okay. That's cool. "It's ok, Fox. You take your time. I won't pressure you or anything." Fox seemed content with this, and nodded in relief. He rose to walk towards the door. Alex rose too, and for a moment they stood facing each other, only inches apart, looking at each other as if rediscovering the other person again. >He sees me!< Alex thought, and felt something warm starting to buzz in his stomach. Fox reached out a tentative hand and touched Alex's bottom lip. The gesture itself was simple, but made Alex feel all light-headed and dizzy. >Woaw< Fox quickly drew his hand back, ducked his head and said a short, but warm; "See you tomorrow in school." And then he was gone. Alex sat on the couch, touching his lip, until he heard his mother's car pull up into the driveway, and her steps approaching the door. Then he stood and went to help her with the groceries. *** It took Lisa three signals to answer the door, mainly because she was in the middle of cooking spaghetti and meatballs for herself and her younger sisters. Drying her hands on her apron and stroking back her, by now, rather greasy-smelling hair, she opened the front door to find Fox Mulder standing outside. "Fox?" The tall boy on the front step smiled at her, but it was a sad smile. "Can I come in?" "Of course!" She opened the door wide and let him inside. "Mom and dad are at the movies and me and the twins were just going to have dinner. Do you want to join us?" He shook his head even before she had finished. "No, thank you, I just wanted to...I want to ask you about..." His voice trailed of and she felt herself starting to feel a little anxious. Something seemed to be wrong. "Fox, what's the matter? Why are you not..." "Why did you break up with me?" She flinched at the sudden question, and looked a little closer at him. It was a face she knew well (having spent the good part of high school learning to read it) and right now what she read in it was that her first assumption about his state of mind had been wrong. He wasn't sad. He was angry. And confused. "I told you why," she said as gently as she could. "We decided it was for the best." He shook his head. "No, >we< didn't! I didn't think it was for the best. I didn't understand..." "Fox!" Hazel eyes met hers. "Come into the kitchen." But he still refused. "Tell me why you broke up with me! Seeing that she would get nowhere with him in this state, Lisa searched his face one more time, took a deep breath, and said in a low voice; "You know why, Fox. I broke up with you because you weren't in love with me." Ashamed (knowing?) look on his face now. "Lisa..." "It's ok, Fox. I loved you, but I'm ok with it now. I want you to be happy, and I know you wouldn't be with me." "Why?" "I'm your friend Fox." "Why didn't you think I would be happy with you?" She braced herself for what she was about to say. She had to say it. He needed to hear it. "Because you wouldn't be happy with a girl, Fox. Not with any girl." Stunned face in front of her. Shocked look in his eyes. But underneath it there was the knowledge again. She continued. She had to. "You don't like girls at all, not in that way. And you have to realize that if you are ever going to be truly happy, with anyone, in your life." And there it was. That's what he had come there to hear; the words he had been waiting for. Fox Mulder was 18 years old and no one had ever wanted to tell him the truth, to acknowledge it, except for her. Except for her and Alex. Alex. A gentle hand lay on his arm now. Lisa took a step backwards, toward the kitchen, dragging him with her. "Come in the kitchen, Fox!" she said. "Have dinner with us, please. Eat some pasta and meatballs with me and the girls! We're having pie for desert." While she continued to speak, she dragged him all the way into the other room, and he finally stopped trying to resist her. The familiar atmosphere of having dinner at Lisa's house, felt like something he could really need right now. Something safe. Something that felt like home. Having a nice, friendly conversation over some food, joking and teasing with Lisa's younger sisters, who both adored him, pretending his whole world hadn't just turned upside down in an blink of an eye. And then, maybe, some more talking. Over some coffee, after the girls had gone to bed. Until Lisa's parents came back and he had to go. Just until then. Something safe. *** When Alex opened his locker as he came to school the next morning, a note fell out. Taking it up and unfolding it, he read the neatly printed words on it with increasing excitement. Michael, who noticed his sudden change, looked curiously at him. "What?" Without a word, Alex showed him the note. It contained six words. >Done thinking. Parking lot. Lunch time. F.< Michael met his friends happy eyes, and couldn't suppress a smile of his own. He squeezed Alex's hand and whispered; "Go for it, Lexei!" *** When the bell for lunch rang, Alex was on his feet and running in less then one second. He crossed the grass outside the building and reached the parking lot's far end corner by the time Fox's car slid up to it. Leaning over, he rolled down the window and said shortly; "Get in!" Alex did as he was told, gliding down the passenger seat, securing his seat belt, and turning towards the young man driving. "Where to?" Fox's voice was a grin. "You'll see." He took them to the cafe outside of town, where they had been that first evening (had it only been a few days ago?) and the coffee and muffins were just as good as last time. This time, though, they took the muffins to go, and walked back out to the car. Happily munching, Alex threw an appreciating glance over at Fox. "I like your initiatives. It's good to follow your impulses." Fox grinned back. "Actually I am having one now." "What?" "An impulse. Get in and I'll show you." As Alex got in the car and shut the door, Fox's arm grabbed him already before he was fully seated and drew him into an open-mouth kiss. Perhaps it shouldn't have but it caught Alex by complete surprise, and he tensed for a moment. Fox felt it and started to draw back, thinking he had scared Alex again, that he had reminded him of the assault the other night, but before he could Alex had grabbed the hem of his shirt and was now wordlessly pulling him forward, locking their lips together again. Fox felt a searching tongue enter his mouth, and he moaned by the feeling it sent down his body. As he gasped, Alex slid his tongue even further down his throat, and Fox felt the world around go pale and fade out. He couldn't focus his thoughts on anything else now, the only thing in the world he was aware of was Alex's soft mouth, Alex's wet tongue, Alex's hot breath, and Alex's hands nestling in his hair. He had never felt something like it before, and he wondered if he would perhaps die from it. Nothing could feel this good and not be lethal. For his first male-on-male kiss, Alex thought that Fox did a pretty good job. Pretty damn good, actually. Pretty damn un-fucking-believable good, to be precise! The boy was a natural, and Alex increased the pressure on the back of Fox's head, deepening the kiss even more. Since they had parked behind a couple of trees, they were enough out of view that it didn't occur to Alex to stop it. Actually he wouldn't have stopped it even if they had been in the school cafeteria, in the middle of 1200 hungry high school students. It was just too good, too intense, too sweet, and he thought he could keep kissing Fox for the rest of his life. Fox broke the kiss and stared at him, face flushed, eyes dark with arousal. "Alex, I..." Alex didn't want to listen. He wanted to make out. But the tone in Fox's voice told him he should let him speak. "What?" Fox let his hand outline the slightly flushed face before him, watching green eyes grow heavy and close. "I went to see Lisa last night." The eyes opened again, a hint of fear in them now. "Lisa?" "Yes." He needed to say this right, if he didn't want to spoil it all before it had even began. "I told you I needed to...think...about this. Lisa has always been able to, I don't know, see through me in some way, she seems to know me so well and..." A flash of (jealousy?) something in the green eyes at this. He continued. "...and I felt so confused and didn't know what to do, so I went over there and sort of...told her." "About us?" "Well..." He smiled softly at the memory. " >She< told >me< actually. But anyway, then we sat for a couple of hours and just talked about it, about us, about...uhm...you." Alex blinked. "You two talked about me?" "Hrm...yeah...we did. Alex, I have to say that I am still a bit mixed up about everything. I mean, not about how I feel about you, but about myself and who I am and...stuff." He felt like a moron. The biggest thing that had ever happened to him, something he had spent a whole evening discussing with his ex-girlfriend last night, and he still couldn't express himself in a way that made sense, not even to Alex, the one who probably needed to hear it the most. Fox blushed and threw a shy look over at the other seat. But instead of the expected resentment in Alex's face, what he saw was something else. Alex's eyes beamed. "The way you feel about me? How do you feel about me, Fox?" The senior couldn't help but smile, faintly, at the look on Alex's face. Finally something he >could< express! "Oh Alex, hrm, I...I think that I, uhm...you know, that I am...falling in love with you...sort of" Well. Half express, anyway. Stuttering and blushing like an idiot while doing it. He opened his mouth to speak again, but Alex stopped him by pressing a finger against his lips. "Ssssch." Then Alex lent in to kiss him again, not removing his finger which now slid into Fox's mouth along with a wet tongue. Fox shivered. He felt Alex's other hand begin a little journey down from the back of his head to the front of his chest, and then continuing even further down. To his leg. Pausing. And then starting up the stroking again. >Oh my...< Other, unwelcome, thoughts entered his mind too. >Feels so good, this is it, can't go back from here, how can it feel so good, so right, I want to touch him, I want him to touch me, oh, god, what is wrong with me...< But when the hand moved between his legs to touch him >there<, he couldn't hold back any more. Pushing all other thoughts aside, he tore free of the mouth that claimed him, and cupped Alex's face with his hands. "Oh, Alex...God," he whispered. "What will I do with you?" "Kissing works well with me!" Alex stated, already reaching for him again. "Yeah, that sounds good." There was a pause as Fox peered sideways at him. "But I want to do...more." Alex felt a slow burning sensation spread through his arms and legs as he had to remind himself to keep breathing. He met Fox's eyes, searching them, and liking what he saw there. The huskiness of his own voice surprised him as he said simply; "We can." Fox immediately became practical. As you do in a situation just like this. "How?" Alex almost resented the rationality, but liked the straight-forwardness, and simply gave a casual shrug. "Stay at my house tonight." "What?" "Call your parents. Tell them you are spending the night at a friend's house, and come back to mine." "What about your mom?" "I'll handle her." Then he caught something sweeping over Fox's face, and asked; "What?" Fox ducked his head. "Well, do you think...can you...you know...do you think you can trust me after...after...I mean, I'm not sure that I could if..." Alex interrupted him before he could finish. "Fox," he said. "If I was afraid of you I wouldn't invite you over to my house. Believe me!" Fox nodded, still feeling a bit reluctant, still feeling like a jerk. "Ok." Alex smiled, closing in on him again. "Good." *** They returned to school in time for their last classes, and then met up at the parking lot again. Fox started to look more and more nervous the closer they came to Alex’s house. When they finally parked by the street outside, he looked like a person about to be brought to his own execution. It was as if he was caught in a dream he expected to be waking up from at any moment. It had gone so fast from the day he had noticed -really noticed- Alex in the gym, the way he looked at him, the strange feeling it created in him, to...this. And now here he was. About to cross over the point of no return. Alex studied his miserable face, and couldn't help but giggle. "Looking a little pale there, Fox!" Fox shot him a glance which could freeze fire. "What worries you the most; my mom or the idea over sleeping over?" Fox shrugged. "They both send chills down my spine, actually. Look!" He held up a pair of noticeably shaking hands. Alex suddenly turned serious, and clasped the sweaty hands with his own. "Fox," he said. "We don't have to do anything other then making out tonight if you don't want to. Hell, we don't even have to do that. I'll still want you to spend the night." Fox looked at the handsome face beside him, the firmly pressed together lips, the worried eyes, the soft hair falling down to cover his forehead, and a wave of warmth and (love?) happiness crashed upon him. His face softened and he let his hands gently squeeze the ones cradling them. >To hell with it< he thought. If it truly was a dream, he would just have to >enjoy it for as long as he could before he would wake up back in the grim >reality where he didn't have this, where he didn't have this wonderful >person with those warm, green eyes to look at him. Where he didn't >feel...wanted. "Don't look like that, or I might not even let you out of the car tonight." He said jokingly, not able to hide the affectionate smile from Alex. Alex raised an eye-brow in a query, but taunting, fashion. "How do I look?" And suddenly Fox found he had to blink a couple of times, before saying; "You're beautiful, Alex." He was definitely done thinking. Watching Alex's eyes take on an expression of total and abandoned happiness, he found it difficult to even remember what the problem had been to begin with. *** Alex's mom was happy to meet Fox, shaking his hand frantically, commenting on how tall he was for his age, and rushing to the kitchen to start making dinner for them. Alex and Fox helped her out, and then they ate together all three of them, chatting freely and having a very nice evening. It was only when they had cleared away the dishes and were about to go into Alex's room, that she took her son aside for a moment to express the concern she had nursed through the whole meal. "Is he going to sleep in your room, Lexei." "Yes, mom." He watched her furrow her eyebrows and look directly into his eyes. "Are you sure you know what you are getting into?" Alex smiled. "How could I not after all those books you brought home while I was growing up? Be glad I don't ask for candles and matches along with some strawberries and whipped cream." He blinked at her and she smiled. Briefly. "I'm just worried about you, Alex. He seems like a nice kid and all, but as far as I know you haven't had any other boyfriends and things could get...complicated for you. And him. For you both. I guess what I'm saying is..." Alex leant down and kissed her cheek. "Night, mom." She sighed. Then nodded. As he turned to go back into the living room, she stopped him and pressed something into his hand. When he looked down to see what it was, he felt his cheek turn red and stared up at her. "Mom!" "Alex, please..." They both walked into the other room, where Fox stood admiring the walls. "Woaw," he said without turning his head from the framed photographs. "These are beautiful!" "Thank you, Fox!" Alex's mom said and beamed at him. Something in her voice made him look at her, eyes wide. "Did you take these? They're...you should be a professional!" She laughed and pinched his cheek. "What, and miss the exciting life of driving the school bus every day? You must be joking!" Alex had stood watching them, and when his eyes skimmed over Fox's slim body, his pouting lips and his brilliant eyes, and when he thought about what might happen that very night, he suddenly felt he couldn't wait any longer. Unless he wanted to treat his mother to the image of her only son pressing his guest up a wall and dry-hump him, he should get them both down to his room right now. "Fox," he said, gaining the attention of the other boy. "Shall we?" Fox met his eyes and easily read his thoughts. For the passed couple of minutes, he had nursed the same ones. Quickly, he turned to the small woman in front of him. "Thank you for dinner, Mrs K. It was great!" "Night boys. Mind the neighbors, will you!" She winked at her son who crumbled in embarrassment. "Mom!" "Oh hush! Sleep well!" Alex's room was suited downstairs in the basement of the house, and he had never been more thankful of the privacy it gave than right now. As he opened the door and showed Fox inside, he quickly shuffled away the condoms his mother had given him in the kitchen, so that the other boy wouldn't see them. Then he went inside himself and closed the door behind them. *** They were sitting in the semi-dark room, not talking, just enjoying each other's company and the time they had to themselves. Alex sat on his bed, legs stretched out, and Fox lay in between them, resting his head on one of Alex's thighs. It had been kind of awkward at first, when they had sat down on the bed several inches apart, both wanting to sit close but neither knowing how to express it. Finally, after lot's of scooting around and accidentally moving closer and closer, Fox had just caved in and asked Alex in an embarrassed voice if he could lie in his lap, like that first night they had spent together. Alex didn't have many objections. He noticed Fox's reluctance at touching him, but now knew it had to do with not wanting to scare him, more than feeling apprehensive, so he jut went ahead and took the lead. He kept touching, making Fox relax. They sat for a while, lost in the simple touches. Then Alex moved, and moved Fox with him. "Hey..." Crouching over the bed, hands on either side of Fox's chest, eyes locked intently on his, Fox thought that Alex looked just like a panther stalking it's prey. On impulse he reached up and stroked his fingers over the sensitive spot behind the younger boy's ear, laughing when Alex began to make a purring sound. >Any wild cat can be tamed with a little petting< he thought. Then his >fingers moved behind Alex's head and pulled him down to lock their lips >together in a deep, soul searching kiss. >A little full-on hardcore >petting< he silently added when he felt a wet tongue begin drawing patterns >on his jaw and neck. Alex was in heaven! He had dreamed about touching this body for so long, and now that it finally happened, he went wild. Pouncing his prize, the two of them rolled around on the bed, giggling, pinching, stroking and kissing. Pillows were being thrown and clothes being discarded. Although he afterwards had tried hard to remember, Alex had no clear recollection of the moment when the play had turned serious, when laughter and giggles had turned into moans and whimpers. He just knew that this time he felt no fear whatsoever. They were lying on their sides, facing each other, breathing hard. Fox traced Alex's face with his hand, regarding him with something Alex didn't dare to even begin exploring. "Alex..." The way Fox said his name alone made his whole body tingle with joy. "Mmhm?" Warm, caressing puffs of air on his cheek. Dreamy! "I want to tell you something." Alex suddenly felt less dazed and more awake with renewed wariness shouting words of warning to his mind. >Please don't tell me this is going too fast, please don't ask me to show you the guest room, please...< "What is it, Fox?" "I want to thank you, Alex." The crass words were somehow softened by the absolute gorgeous way that Fox looked at him as he spoke them. Alex frowned, and blinked a couple of times. "T-thank me? For what exactly?" "For this!" Seeing Alex's still deeply confused face, Fox took one of the other boy's hands and brought it to his lips to kiss. "And this." He kissed the inside of that slim wrist. "And for this." He bent down and gently bit into the smooth skin on the exposed throat right next to him. Alex shivered. "Would you believe me if I said that it was all my pleasure?" Fox chuckled, got a wicked look on his face, and started to trace his lips down to one nipple. Hearing Alex's gasp, he decided he must be on the right track. "I mean it, Alex. I think you saved me, that time in the computer room. I had no idea how to deal with...with...if it hadn't been for you...So, thank you!" It was a fantastic speech, and Alex truly treasured it, but the things Fox kept doing with his mouth at the same time sort of made it hard for him to focus. Very hard, actually. As those delicious lips made contact with his stomach, and a wet tongue started to lazily tickle his belly button, Alex felt as if he was floating ten feet above the ground. And he felt completely secure. "O-okay," he managed to say. "You're...aaah, shit...you're welcome...I guess." Then there was no more talking. Fox slid back up again and they embraced, tongues intertwined, and started to move together in a way none of them had before, but yet both seemed to know instinctively. Their clothes seemed to disappear somehow, or at least be tucked out of the way at their frantic tries to feel more of the other's bare skin. As the pressure kept increasing, it occurred to both of them that they wouldn't have to stop, that this was what they both wanted, and they locked eyes again, seeing the desire mirrored in the face of the other. They could also see the same question forming in each other's eyes; could it be this easy? Was it really possible that this simple act, moving together, rubbing skin against skin, hard flesh against hard flesh, could feel this good, and give such thrilling pleasure? How could they not have known? How could they have gone through life so far without feeling >thishe< was beyond control now...and teeth! He felt teeth clamping down on the side of his neck, biting hard, the pain only adding to the almost unbearable pleasure. This was nothing like the harsh humping he had received in the computer room. This was shared, equal, mutual love-making. And good as fuck! "F-Fox! Don't...don't stop!" "Fuck, fuck, fuck...oh, FUCK!" Alex was almost sobbing, the pleasure driving him crazy, ripping him apart, making him ache for the elusive climax to come and sweep him away. The sight of Fox moving above him, the muscles in his arms and neck tensing at every push forward, made him want to scream out his need. He thought he'd never seen anything as damn sexy as Fox driving himself into him, grinding their cocks together, lost in his own wild pleasure. And still he needed more, they needed more, and the thrusting became almost violent, desperate, and they still needed MORE, and they held on even harder, rubbing together even harder... "A-Alex!" Fox's voice only a whisper, and then, with an immense effort from both of them, they finally tumble over the edge together, jerking against the other body, moaning and gasping, clenching and unclenching. Drifting away in white-hot bliss. Eons later, Alex came to again, still crushed beneath Fox, the other boy laying eyes-closed on his chest, murmuring sweet nothings into his ear. Alex felt a wide, silly grin break across his face, and knew he must look as smug and sated as he felt. >I've just had sex with this guy!< he thought before opening his eyes and >look down at the sleepy face of his...lover? >My lover!< He tasted the >words, found that he liked them, and tightened his grip on Fox's shoulders. "Fox?" "Mmphmm?" "Are you ok?" "Hmmp...gafffp...yeah!" The dark head tilted upward and Alex found himself lost in hazel eyes filled with just as much smugness as his own must be. "I feel...amazing, actually. Like..." "Like you just had sex?" Alex added innocently. Fox laughed out loud. "Yeah! Like I just had the most amazing fucking sex of my whole damn life!" The two teenagers looked at each other, knowing that what had just happened would probably create a lot of bad feelings and things to deal with later down the road, but neither of them caring a damn bit about that right now. They were still floating. Alex rubbed his hand over a still sweat-covered chest. "Hmm. Do you think it is always like this?" He still couldn't believe it. Not only had they had sex (>I just had sex!<), but it had been almost...mind-blowing. Fox stretched his sore muscles and yawned. "I don't know." Then he chuckled. "Lucky us if it is!" They laughed, then kissed, and then Fox sneaked an arm over Alex's chest, pulling him until he was safely stuck underneath the older boy. "What now?" Alex wriggled some, to snuggle even more deeply into Fox's arms. Fox playfully kissed the top of his nose. "Sleep?" Agreeing on this, Alex gently pressed Fox's head back to where it had been, nuzzled against the side of his neck. The older boy started drifting off immediately, but before he managed to ask; "What about your mom? What will she think if she finds us like this in the morning?" "Don't worry," Alex cooed and rocked him gently. "Go to sleep. We have school tomorrow, remember." As Fox's breathing started evening out, Alex lay awake a long time thinking about what had just happened. A slow burn in his stomach that just wouldn't give, told him this was a lot deeper than a simple sex-thing for him. Much, much deeper. He knew that this was it, he was sold; heart, body and soul. The question was of course how Fox would feel about it, now that they had taken it this far, when he woke up in Alex's bed in the morning. Fox. There were so many things he wanted to do to him, including what they had just done tonight. He wanted to do THAT again, that was for sure, but he also want to taste, to take, to...be taken? His mind was swiveling with the images. He knew he wanted to feel Fox's cock in his mouth, to suck him, to have him scream his name. He also wanted to have him inside, to feel Fox all hot and hard deep inside him in that place where he knew, from self-induced experience (and some pretty graphically illustrated books), that it would feel fantastic to have him. To be honest, it was actually not quite as comfortable as he would have thought, to lie together like this in post-sex afterglow. The sheets were bumpy and crumbled underneath him, his arm was cramping from Fox's weight, and there was definitely something wet and sticky creeping it's way down his stomach and between his thighs. But he wasn't going to give this up, falling to sleep with Fox's warm body on top of him, for anything. Heart body and soul! Heart, body and soul. In the morning. It would all be clear in the morning. He would know then. Not until then. Tomorrow morning. *** To Be Continued...in part 2 (of 2). Feedback (begging for it, actually): blackcoffees00@hotmail.com